the treasure of a simple miracle...

So in my last post I got to announce the exciting news that I finally have a job again. And as much as it was an amazing answer to prayer…there was a more profound miracle that took place, in the natural...and in my heart. One that stemmed from a deep issue I have rooted in my soul. In a vulnerable confession, I'll tell you that I have a deep fear of being disappointment by God. Although I do my best to stand on the Truth of His character...even with weak, shaking legs...it is something in which my Spirit and soul are in constant battle. ("Because feelings & circumstances are real...but they are not Truth." ~Tamara Winslow) 

  

Ok, so you know that saying Christians love to declare…“God’s never late…it may not be in your timing…but God’s ALWAYS on time.” 

Blah blah blahblahblah.

Give. Me. A. Break. I wanna push people down when they say that. I’ve always hated that phrase. First, is that even Biblical? If so…PLEASE show me. Cause I personally haven’t seen that theology stated anywhere in the Bible. I just think it's something we like to say.

But the facts are…He is often…actually, mostly…late in my life. And it. is. agony. There’s always those great stories of people needing an answer or miracle and at the very literal last minute, God comes through. Who doesn’t love those stories? We all do. But those are seldom my stories. My stories are those that when I need a miracle…the literal last minute happens…and nothing. Hours...days…after chaos and messes abound from the lack of a miracle…when I’m heartbroken and confused and an unfunctional mess because I think I’ve missed God…suddenly…SURPRISE…He shows up. And sometimes it’s with an even bigger miracle than I originally needed to cover the mess that was caused because it was late. And sometimes it’s not bigger, and I’m left running to catch up and clean up the pieces from the mess…as I sit and wonder why? Why was it late? Did I miss God? Was I doing something wrong? Is this my lot in life? Did God forget I was here…and so didn’t come through until He suddenly remembered me? 

I sometimes think I just live a Lazarus kind of life…that God constantly wanted the sitch dead and rotting before saving it. But why was He always working this way? And don’t you just assume God went ahead and fully healed Lazarus’ grody decomposing flesh? God didn’t just raise him…He brought wholeness to the situation. So then why was I sometimes left with the horrible aftermath of the late miracle to take care of by myself??? Every new situation I'd hope and pray it would be different. And almost every time, I was devastatingly disappointed. 

Because this has been the painful reoccurring theme in my life, I tend to want to throw stuff at people who say God is never late. I was even fine to live a Lazarus kind of life if that’s what God was needing me to do…but I was never ok when the healed rotting flesh wasn’t part of the gig.

So I had one main prayer during this whole last season of unemployment. I wanted to be done with the government before they were done with me. All I asked was that the next steps be shown and my next job be there before my unemployment ran out. I begged God from the beginning that this would be different…that for once in my life the bigger miracle wasn’t needed…that there was no rotting flesh that even needed to be healed…that for once, I didn’t have to hold my breath waiting to see if God would come though this time. I didn’t want to go weeks, or for goodness sakes, months…with zero income. Little income was bad enough. And I’m pretty anti-living off the government, so I really wanted to be done with them as soon as possible.

So the talks with the company I now work for began just before I started my last tier of unemployment. I knew I was getting close to the end. I knew God was saying this was the job…they just had too much going on, and aren’t really the fastest moving people when it comes to hiring new employees. But I thought for a while I might have my miracle WAY early. Silly me.

As the talks got more serious and close together, I started my last section of unemployment-that was actually through the state of CO. I was still feeling ok about the timing maybe working out (even though the process was getting more complicated)…but I was desperately trying not to get my hopes up out of my deep fear of disappointment. Because I had started State Emergency Benefits I had to go to an orientation about this new process. It was all so crazy to me. Even on the way to the orientation I was exchanging emails with my future boss…yet, it still wasn’t becoming ‘official’. Then at the orientation…my heart sank as I learned the horrid news… Because of legislation, all…aaaallllll, no matter where you’re at in the process, all state benefits would stop the second week of March. I was shocked. This was only a couple weeks away. I still had the glimmer of hope for a job (although I was stressed for the people in the room with me)…but they were still far from a hurry to move forward…my hope for a NON-Lazarus miracle was slipping further and further away. I prayed and begged God for my miracle. I kept reminding Him it had been my only request throughout the last season. In the midst of the silence…in the midst of my confusion…in the midst of the wilderness...the only thing I had asked was that I would be done with the government before they were done with me.

And my one prayer was answered.

He wasn’t early…but this time, He was...in fact, right. on. time.

I requested my last payment of unemployment this week…the money may have run out from the government (although further legislation could change this and I could have been approved for back pay)…but irregardless…it was my last request because He came through, and I am officially on a company’s payroll.

It wasn’t a Lazarus miracle this time. There wasn't a need to ask for a miracle to cover a stressful rotting flesh mess. But it was a miracle...of epic proportions. And for once, I get to just easily and gracefully maneuver through...

...and my soul sighs in relief. 

FINALLY...into the new...

“Who is this coming up from the wilderness…

Leaning on her beloved?” Song of Solomon 8:5

Finally...after a year and a half…I am employed again! I can’t even begin to explain all my emotions in all of this. (in fact, I already know this has to be split up into different posts)

This last season was long. Loooooong…at least a year and a half long. I don’t exactly know how to explain it, but it was a hard, dry, weary, refreshing, uncomfortable, restful, agonizing, wrestling, blessed season. I wouldn't ever trade it or ever wish for anything different.

When I lost my job, I began praying about what I would possibly do. All God said, was ‘Wait’. When I probed for more…He only said, ‘Rest.”  I truly thought this was just figurative. You know, learn to be at rest, in your spirit, while you’re moving 90 miles an hour in life. But nope, that’s not what He meant. He meant- rest...do. nothing. And that’s what happened. (despite my best efforts to get around it) And it was good.

And then, many months later, (more than I had ever imagined) He announced that the rest was over. And I naively thought that meant a job was around the corner…and then days…weeks…more months went by. And this part was tough. Really tough. God would speak to me about any and every issue in the world…except about what was coming for my life. Anytime I would ask about this season, or what the season to come would look like…I’d hear nothing. Just that eerie silence with only the crickets chirping. I was confused. I was apprehensive and fearful I was missing something. I was a mess on the inside…all while I became very busy in my schedule…constantly doing something, going somewhere, connecting with someone. I loved the freedom I had during the day…and tried to savor the moments, knowing that as soon as a job appeared, I’d have to let go of that freedom. So while I was loving life in the natural…I felt like I was in a barren, confused wilderness in the spiritual.

Throughout this time I’d dread the inevitable questions from everyone around me... “Any job prospects?” “What’s your plan?” “What do you think God is saying?” On and on they went. Oh, how I hated these moments. At least with people who knew God, I could give somewhat of an answer too…explaining that I was waiting on Him…but didn’t know what His plan was yet. But to my non-God-loving people…it was excruciating to come up with acceptable answers. To very few, did I ever feel like I could be 100% honest…I knew that I knew that I knew that God would just hand me a job…I just didn’t know when…or how. But He always had before, in unconventional ways, and even though I knew very little about this season…I knew that. I just didn’t know how to explain it. I was applying, half heartedly to jobs, because that’s “what I was supposed to do”…but I knew nothing would come from them. It just kept the government happy…and made it easier to give answers to everyone’s questions as to what I was doing.

It’s funny, in the beginning of this process…I heard this comment, “I don’t know about you, but I’ve never had a job just handed to me…I’ve always had to go out and search it out, work for finding it.” Everyone in the room agreed. I just smiled on the inside. Why? Because 97% of my jobs have just been handed to me. They've all come from a connection of some sort. The only exceptions were my very first 2 jobs…and then one that as I was searching the want ads in the paper, God pointed to one and said- “There, go apply there. That’s where you're going to work.” So I did. Imagine the momentary awkwardness during that interview when I was asked why I had applied…and I decided to truthfully share. But hey, if you can’t do that at an interview to work at a church, where can you? (and yes, I did get that job)

And so, it happened this time too. Through the organization my best friend works with…I am now employed. I knew for sure that was the plan of God around the end of last year...but had to push through to make it happen. It’s with an exchange student program. I’ll be working with the National Office…helping track and organize the happenings of the company. The pay is more than I’ve ever made (which, unfortunately isn’t that much to brag about), I get to travel, I get to do things I’m good at and will enjoy, and the bestest bestest part…is that I get to work from home! I. know! So everything that I most enjoyed in this last season…the freedom, the connections, etc…I won’t lose. That is beyond an answered prayer…because I was refusing to get my hopes up about that…and would barely allow myself to pray for it. Course now, I feel kinda obligated to start popping out some babies…cause momma’s everywhere are sure to be envious of my work from home position.

So there’s the news! There’s a specific aspect to this amazing timing that I’ll write about next...a hugely massive miracle that took place in my life. And then I’ll tell about the day this all happened…when Heaven was working overtime…

It's been a long time coming...but my new season has finally begun...

in why I won't celebrate this season....

So this is a post in which I share my heart…and which could cause great offense to my readers…which is why I've never fully written it before. But as this week crawls on…and I’m bombarded by constant posts on Twitter and Facebook…my level of heartbreak…and to be honest, annoyance…greatly increases…and so therefore I’m just gonna go ahead and share…and you can agree, argue, or ignore as you please…

So when did Lent get trendy??? It seems like the last 5 years or so the number of people who are embracing and running with it has grown by leaps and bounds. It used to be just the Catholics and traditional Protestants were the only ones to participate. But now…it seems like everyone is jumping on the Lent train and participating in it.

And hear my heart in this…I’m not remotely anti- ‘giving up something for God’…I’m not anti- 40 day fasts…I’m certainly not anti- setting aside a specific time to stop and reflect on God and your relationship with Him or ponder the perfect completeness of what Jesus did on the cross. All these things are amazing…and should be embraced, often, by the Lovers of Him.

But the part that puts me over the edge…makes me groan deep within and throw my hands in the air…makes me weep in prayer…and scream out loud in frustration……is that we’re doing this, in the name of Jesus, but on pagan foundations. Which is something God told us…over and over and o-ver…NOT to do. “DON’T follow after the pagans…don’t do what they do, even in My name…don’t be like them…don’t adopt their practices…etc.” Yet we do, with justified stances. (He even went so far as to usually declare that the heathens be completely wiped out…because He wanted no remnant left for His people to be tempted to become like them) We either don’t research these things at all, or we research just enough to justify our own beliefs…tack on a Christian theme…and go with it. Just because it wasn’t our generation that adopted the pagan practices, and it’s what we’ve always done, it’s far too easily justified in our eyes. (although we are quick to scream out against traditions we personally don’t like, especially because Jesus addresses it so often…we just conveniently ignore the issues of the traditions we do like and want to continue holding on to) But even just a quick, basic research of how God felt about the succeeding generations, the ones who didn’t make the change, adopt, etc…just the ones that grew up in the continued pagan practices, should make things very clear as to how He feels about it. Right? So because of this…I don’t get it. I just really...don’t.

The origins of Lent have several pagan connections…but the main one is based on the Weeping of Tammuz. (Which God calls an abomination in Ezekiel 8:14-16) The story originates in Babylon. Tammuz (a false god) was killed by a wild boar when he was 40 yrs old. So, 40 days (one for every year) of weeping and mourning was declared in his honor. The worshippers would deny themselves pleasures during these 40 days. (for the sake of his pleasures in the afterlife) They would then end this with a big celebration at the end of the 40 days…including eating a wild boar. (is it, again, JUST a coincidence that our “traditional” Easter dinner is ham???? Or maybe, perhaps not? Either way...the connection is creepy.) “Lent” certainly wasn’t observed by the first century Church. It was first addressed during the Council of Nicea with Constantine. (of. course.) He mixed Paganism and Christianity in unfathomable ways, but in all honesty, it was intertwined before and certainly after him, because he opened that path wide. Christianity adopted the pagan practices and rituals again and again…and just tacked on the name of Jesus to justify doing so. (i.e., Lent is just a picture of the 40 day fast Jesus did) And it was the Council of Laodicea in 360 AD who officially declared that Lent be observed.

“Woe to those who call evil, good and good, evil.” Isaiah 5:8

And God is very clear as to what He calls evil. He called following after the heathens evil. He called the 40 days of the Weeping of Tammuz evil. He called breaking His commands (and He commands us to follow HIS celebrations) evil. Just because we add Jesus to the mix and call it good, does not make it so. In fact, He says 'Woe to those' who do...

I’ve already said in a previous post, I don’t celebrate Christmas or Easter because of its pagan roots. And I know most of you believe I’m crazy and extreme and don’t get it. But the more I look into it, the more I see scriptures, and the heart of God being very clear about it. I truly see it as a conniving work of the enemy…that got us off track *just enough* and changed the focus *just enough* to get us outside the boundary of God’s perfect plan and path He created for us and we miss the fullness that He has ordained for us.

I am NOT saying hearts that celebrate Lent aren’t pure. I know so many are. But ignorance isn’t bliss. Ignorance is dangerous. And God doesn't let us off the hook for our ignorance, unfortunately. I’ve read the beautiful blogs posts of preparing for this 40 day season… I've read my friend’s accounts of the precious revelations they received during this time…and I do not negate those things. I know they’re real. I know they connected with God during this time. My issue is with the foundation...and if our foundation is not truth (and truth means stable)…then how can we firmly stand? My issue, my heartache, in all this, especially during this season…is this missing of the mark. And we are missing the mark. 

Don’t just rely on the traditions of which you been raised in. And definitely don’t just rely on the words out of my mouth or on my blog. Research the roots. Read the words of Jesus Himself in regards to the Law and following the commandments of His Father. (from neutral, non pre-defined eyes) Read the scriptures about grace. And then read the words of God, Himself…in regards to what He wants and doesn’t want us do…in festivals, celebrations, and being like the pagans. Don’t blindly follow this new Lenten Trend. Declare your own 40 day fast…one in which you’ve spent time with God and heard His timing. Find a group of people to set aside this time with you and press in to Him together. Celebrate Him in new and fresh ways. There's no need to copy the ways of the ones who thought something else was worthy of their worship and focus. There's no need to ignore the Biblical mandates and follow after the man made ones. Don’t be so quick to embrace the things that do not have their foundation in God. And certainly don’t be quick to shun and ignore the ones He created and ordained for us. 

I hope you still love me...

Sharing in the wholeness of His heart...

Something occured to me several months ago. (you know, when I had accidentally moved back to Texas) I was seeing several people from my high school days and the same theme kept coming up over and over. Whenever my teenage/early 20's self is described...I'm usually summed up in one word- Joyful. I was repeatedly told by people that I was the most joyful person they had ever met. I always loved that description. Mostly, because back then I was a hot mess of dysfunction...and I was clinging to God with everything in me for mere survival. The joy of the Lord is my strength (Neh 8:10) and Be Joyful Always (I Thess 5:16) were the life ropes in which I clung to get through my days.

But as I was being reminded of this...something deep down started gnawing at me. Because it was just that...a reminder. In other words, a description of the past. I realized people were no longer using that word for their top characterization of me...and I didn't like this. I kept wondering where I had gone wrong...because I just thought I had only grown less...obnoxious (aka- the exuberant joy I loudly and boastfully portrayed). I still felt joyful, deep down...under a layer of seriousness that I was mistaking for just stability. I am a much, MUCH more stable, functional person than I once was...and I'm definitely much closer and more intimate with my Creator...so why on earth would it appear as though I've lost my joy?????

I contemplated this for several days and realized this: As I've grown closer to God...walking in that intimate embrace of sharing His heart...I realized that there is a deep seriousness that is attached to this close walk with God. As I've grown deeper in my relationship with Him, I've cried out on almost a daily basis to share what's on His heart for that moment...asking Him to break my heart for what breaks His. I have prayed those prayers countless times. And God has answered those prayers every time. And it's been an exquisite, heart wrenching, messy, beautiful dance. And when walking daily with Him, this becomes your habit and you become in tune with those things around you on a constant basis. You can walk into a place, and know what God is saying about the people and situations around you...you share what He is saying for individuals, groups, or whole nations. And you pray what He says to pray...and you believe what He says to believe...sharing in His tears as He weeps for the injustice...shouting as you hear the roar of His promises...joining with Him in the Throne Room where He is seated, forever interceding for His beloved.

But why is it, I wonder, do we tend to think that sharing the heart of God, is always serious and somber? I think we get consumed with the issues, the problems...because we want to join with God in seeing His solution come forth. Our generation's deep cry for justice keeps our eyes and our focus on the problems that abound on this planet. But my God is a joyful God. He laughs, He sings, He spins and dances over us. I think, we forget sometimes, that sharing His heart means not only asking Him to see the issues around us like He sees them...but we need to also ask what makes Him joyful in what He sees? What is making Him belly laugh when He looks down at our world? I've prayed many times that He would make me aware of the one around me that His heart is breaking for, one that He's got locked in a protective embrace, so that I can join in prayer with Him or give an encouraging word...but I've never asked Him to show me the one He's singing and dancing around at that moment...the one He's cracking up in exuberant joy over.

This has been my prayer the last several months. In the midst of some extremely hard times going on around me...I've asked God to show me the joy once again. I'll admit...I haven't really seen it fully yet...but just in seeking this balance of His heart...I believe, has kept me from drowning under the issues that flooded around me.

So, my prayer will continue to be "Show me your heart, God. Break my heart for what breaks yours." But I shall now add..."Fill my heart with what fills yours. Show me what makes your heart joyful."
I want the whole truth of His heart...I want the balance.



(I decided to create a Joy Board on Pinterest...just for funsies and such)

1000 Gifts- The 'When My World Exploded' Edition..

Look at me like I'm a regular blog poster! What is this....like 5 in the last week? SO proud! Hopefully I can keep this up and start writing down the 4 billion thoughts in my head...



So this may be longer than usual...but I had several months to catch up on. And even though I felt like I was going through some of the worst of times, I still kept my eyes open to the gifts that abounded around me....and there were many....

299- car trip with the girls in the family

300- hugging my Nannie...bringing reassurance that she'd be ok

301- being in Kansas, the state of my birth...where my soul always feels unexplainably content

302- unexpected lunch with extended family

303- card games with cousins

304- court cases in our favor

305- house empty to myself

306- borrowed car during my extended Texas stay

307- reconnecting with so many old friends

308- high school pep rally at my alma mater...watching high school cheerleading friend's daughter cheer

309- suspicions confirmed and doubt erased

310- the incomparable sunsets only seen in West Texas

311- walking out, after a particulary stressful day, and being overtaken with not only a breathtaking sunset...but also my moon (the phase of the tiniest sliver, before it's even a cresent) dipping down into the vibrant colors. A quiet reminder that my God loves me, sees me...and was in complete control.

312- being reminded of the geese I had forgotten, encompassing the lakes around town, their pit stops on their way to warmer haven further south

313- prayer support from friends

314- encourging texts and emails from friends, and the understanding I wasn't at the place to respond back

315- Bethel worship videos on youtube via my phone (since ipods and computer weren't packed for my "quick weekend trip")...my source of sanity that helped me connect with God every morning...fixing my focus on Him, securing my feet on Truth and giving me the strength to stop the tears and get out of bed and face what the day would bring.

316- prayer times with my Mom

317- financial provision

318- exchange students you want to forever keep as part of the family

319- late night talks and prayers in parking lots with friends (because the closing restaurant kicked us out)

320- daily consumption of tex-mex! (I avoid Mexican food in CO at all costs)

321- seeing my hometown exceed the number of expectant people (by almost double, I think) wanting to attend an event to honor Israel. (even though I was among those not allowed in)

322- quick hug from ex-student working the event...and her teary gratefulness for showing her the beauty of the heart of God for His chosen people

323- Home Sweet Home....even if it is still a little crowded

324- rest and sleeping and moments of recovery

325- unwrapping my favorite menorahs...and transforming the house in Hanukkah decor

326- holiday cards with pictures and sweet notes

327- Hanukkah celebration with friends, new and old

328- trip back to TX to celebrate Christmas with the family

329- being able to stay at my Mom's house once again

330- pajamas, hot chocolate, crowded in backseat 80's style (someone laying across laps), and driving around looking at the lights

331- teary Christmas morning...overwhelmed with the faithful provision of a loving God

332- watching faces opening presents

333- home again, with more peace this time that the circumstances of TX are going to be ok

334- 7 out of town visitors for New Years Eve

335- overlooking the city lights high on a mountain top

336- Helen Hunt Falls fully frozen over

337- late night games of dominoes-with the same girls that once held this tradition many many years ago

338- 'Stashes & Lashes New Year's Eve party with friends

339- holiday decor down, fresh start with rearranged everyday decor

340- shopping with my favorite young boy...as he carefully and thoughtfully picked out his Mom's birthday present

341- Downton Abbey marathon, curled up in pj's and blankets, the house quiet once again with the kid's return to school

Every good and perfect gift is from you, Father of Lights