Remembering the Yes...

“Be careful what you pray for...”

Isn't that the oldest of cliche's in the Christian world??

Growing up in the church, I've heard it more times than could be counted. And every time it’s uttered, I roll my eyes in annoyance of the redundancy…and start a conversation in my head regarding the Biblical theology of the comment and issue it was spoken about...because I'm far from convinced that life gets crazy and ridiculous just because you ask for God to 'fix something' in your life. 
(the ‘patience’ one gets me every. dang. time.)

 And then......

After reading my last post, a friend asked how long I've felt like this…

Years, I stated…it’s been several years.

And it seems so ridiculous to me that it could possibly be true. As a lover and watchman of the seasons…I usually feel like I have a good grasp on timings and such, both physical and spiritual. So a summer season lasting years and years couldn't possibly be true, I tried to tell myself…....

But it is.

And I’m not saying it’s all been terrible. I’m not saying there hasn't been precious, heaven reaching down and touching my soul moments…that I haven’t ever been able to connect with God in this time….but those moments have been fewer and further between. And the dryness and disconnect I’ve felt from God is what has consumed me. 

But...

Several months ago…as I was lying on my bed…wishing I had the energy, or even desire, to whisper a prayer to God…and wondering what the heck has gone wrong in my life…He brought back the memory…

The memory of the surrendered prayer. The one where I stood under the blaring speakers...music swelling around me…arms outstretched…face toward heaven…singing the heartfelt words from the inner depths of my being….that part so deep inside, you barely know it exists…. “Awake, Awake oh North Wind….Awake, awake oh South Wind…blow over me. Come oh winds of testing, come winds of refreshing…blow over me.” (Misty Edwards...tiny song video right over there) And I said Yes. I knew God was wanting to do something more in my life. Verses of pruning vines had been seeping up and hinting at me. Words of gentle corrections had been whispered into my heart. I knew He wanted me to go deeper in Him. And I said yes. I asked for the dead branches to be pruned. I asked to have everything that could be shaken, shaken. I wanted the dead ripped out. I wanted the lies I believed rooted out from the truth. I wanted my foundation to be solid and pure. I wanted to be sure of when I was standing in assured confidence of hearing His voice…or when I had crossed the line of really listening to my own voice and calling it His…I wanted the pride gone...I wanted the impurities drawn out...I wanted deeper depths...I wanted grace and purity and holiness and love to consume me...I wanted to be more like Him. 

  

And somewhere...in the midst…when the season went on longer than I had ever known a season to last…the distance between myself and that night became so great...so divided…that I forgot about that prayer. In the pain and the difficulties and the shakings and prunings…I forgot I said yes.

And I wished it was all just that simple. Just the remembrance of the yes…and everything was back on track. But unfortunately...it’s just not quite that easy.

Really...the reminder did help stable my bearings. It brought back refocus. It helped me feel a little less forgotten and abandoned. But there’s still a whole world of crazy that has to be sorted and dealt with...and let go of and held on to. 

But the thing is…the conclusion that I came too, after weighing the options from this side of the viewpoint, even in the midst of all this hardship and heartache…I’d still say yes. If I could take back the surrendered prayer, I wouldn't. If we need to keep going, and this season's not quite over… *deep breath* ...I’m still in...and I'm still saying yes.

Because I’m starting to get it. I’m starting to see what this time has been about. I’m starting to get my eyes off myself...and back to where they never should have left. 


I'm still not convinced that life automatically gets bad or crazy or hard just because you've prayed a prayer. There's just so much more to it than that. 

But what I do know...is that it's important to remember the yes...

~

I lo-ve this song…and have posted it before…but it’s worth the repost. I love it because it pours out a heartfelt prayer of an overwhelmed and desperate heart…but then changes into a declaration of praise and worship to the Almighty. And isn't that what it’s all about….

singing into the silence...

The silence on here has been quite deafening…

Far too many times in the last many many months, I’ve written and erased…and written and erased…and stared at blank screens…and have tried to find the right words…or even make up the wrong words…I have slammed my laptop in frustration and tossed it across the couch…I’ve tried again the next day…and then, tried again and again and again…and have erased... and erased... and erased…

I just couldn’t figure out how to give words to my feelings…

                                                                                                         and my confusion…

                                                                                                                                and doubts…

                                                                                                                                                and frustrations…

…and deep, deep brokenness.

I never knew a hot, weary, dry, dessert season would truly last so long. Although…considering the Israelites were in one for 40 years, I probably shouldn't be so surprised.

It’s been a season when the doubts and disappointments and broken promises that I've tried for years to fight, squash, ignore, and conquer would no longer back down into submissive silence…and their screams have become too loud to ignore...and I'm the one that lost her voice.

It’s been a season where I've fully and completely doubted my ability to hear God’s voice. And what’s a girl to do when she’s relied on the voice of God to guide her through her everyday existence.

It’s been a season where I've felt confused…exhausted…alone…and forgotten. And to feel separated and forgotten by God…is the most unbearable of feelings.

It's been a season of the North Wind blowing...and pruning...and shaking. And I don't know if I know what to do with the pieces that have been left. 

It has been so hard to write because I didn't want this to be a ‘Woe is Me’ platform…and I certainly don’t want this blog to turn into one of those blogs where everyone joins together to bond in their doubt of faith and God. Those blogs are far too many and on my nerves, I have to say…and I didn't want to join their ranks. Of course there’s sometimes a need to voice where you’re at…and to know you’re not alone…but I've wanted to be careful because doubt and confusion does not need to take any more center stage than it already has.

But…I feel it is important to share where I’m at. Maybe no one else will read these words…but there’s something that won’t stop gnawing deep inside and I’ve felt like I should have been writing all along. Even when it was looking the darkest, even when it seemed impossible to find the words…I think I should have been more intentional to press through. And so…I’m going to attempt…to blog the rest of this journey…

I don’t know what it’s going to look like…but as I have kept telling myself for months, the concept of this whole blog is Girl Seeks Truth…not Girl Gots The Whole Truth and Already Has it All-Together, Yo.

So I still don’t quite know, honestly. But I am going to at least try…and I have to say…that to try to figure out how to write from a place of raw vulnerability seems overwhelming to say the least.

And I must must must declare this…that even in this dry and weary land…where pain and doubt and confusion and feeling and thoughts…are trying to scream at me otherwise….my spirit knows………it. knows………that God is still Good. And He is still Faithful. And I am loved. I may not be sure of much more than that at this moment, (and I’m really not, honestly) and I may not be seeing those things evident in my own life right now, and the voice of doubt may be trying to drown out the Truth that is in my spirit…BUT……but… Truth. is. Truth...and that voice of lies will not win. 
It will. not. win.

~ 

I had a friend recently write me this, “When in the desert, dig a well - the camels are coming with full reward for holding on.”

Now, I’ll admit, that when I first read that…it did not bring comfort, peace or joy. Instead, I rolled my eyes in frustration and thought, “What the hell does that even mean?” My faith/trust/hope of any promise of provision is was nonexistent…and I thought I no longer knew how to dig those spiritual wells. The more I thought about it that first week…the more frustrated I became.

But God is a gracious God.

And for the first time in a very very long time….within the last month or so, He has brought me small splashes of refreshment (like that word from my friend)…and although I’m far from being in a good place…and I’m not sure I really have it in me to believe that ‘camels are coming with any kind of reward’…….I AM beginning to think that maybe, perhaps, I might at least be able to find my way back to a good place, once again. 

I’m not naïve enough (well, if I’m honest, of which I should be…don’t really have enough faith) to think this season might be coming to an end… 

BUT, at the very least, even in the midst of the ugliness...

I think………...

                         perhaps………………

                                                           maybe…………..….

                                                                                                     

I’m beginning...

             

                      to find my voice……

And on this International Woman's Day (a day of which I adore)...this Woman...is standing, once again... even in her emptiness and brokenness, with no idea of what lies ahead...and is digging her well.

No matter what my feelings or circumstances say…I know, with everything in me…He is worthy of my worship…my deep adoration…my total obedience.

And so...

                    

                           I journey on…

*****

“When words fail, music speaks”…and I’m so thankful for musicians who can put those silent words of your heart into a beautiful melody and sing it back to you.

Like this song….. 
♥

  

the dark hours...

I’m a night person by nature. I’m usually happier and more alive during the dark hours. I’ve worked hard to stop cursing the mornings (because God told me I had to)…and to embrace them as much as I can. But when given the chance…my heart does convert back to its dark hour lovin self. 

In the dark hours I tend to find peace and faith…answers to the deep questions of my heart...have some of the most intimate moments with God.....but also, crazy, fun, loudness, laughter, and adventures (when I can find those like-minded to join me…)

In my early 20’s I had a friend who deeply shared this love of the dark hours. He too, would be full of life and adventures in those wee hours of the night.

In the dark hours, when the phone would ring after 1:00 a.m.…I’d know it was my friend calling to chat and see what’s going on. And if I didn't get to the phone in time…I’d automatically call him back. (much to the dismay of his asleep-by-9:00 pm-roommate)

In the dark hours, when my crazy roommate (also a lover of the night) and I decided it would be the prime time to start moving our stuff to our new apartment…he showed up to help with our Midnight Move. 

It was in those dark hours, that mass kool-aid was consumed…ridiculous tv was a must…games were played...practical jokes abounded…and furniture became acrobatic jungle gym equipment. (he had far too much energy to ever sit still for more than 45 seconds at a time)

It was in dark hours when I first told him and his roommate that God was drastically shifting my life…and I was surrendering to whatever He had for me, including missions….and that I wanted to live in the heart of the Middle East. And his reaction was far from expected. 

It was in the darker hours of that night, he called to apologize for his poor reaction and told me he was just caught off guard. He said something about how he couldn't imagine ever wanting to do anything like that, and was concerned for my safety…but that he would try to support me in anything I felt like God was saying…if I really felt that strongly about it.

It was in the dark hours I stood in his front yard a month later and said a tearful goodbye to him and his roommate because I was leaving for a mission school the next morning. But I knew in my heart we’d always stay in touch…to at least some degree. 

It was close to dark hours…many years later…that we were able to catch up in person again…and laugh until our bellies hurt…sharing stories with his wife about how life was way back when…

And it was in the darker hours of that night…that I stood in the front of the school they were attending, and said another tearful goodbye…because he and his family were about to move to another country...pursuing the call God had placed on their lives…in a far greater way than I had ever even imagined for myself. 

And in the darkness, as I drove home…I couldn't stop smiling, and softly laughing, at how radically things had changed and what God can do with a person’s life when we let Him…

But a few years later...right now, the dark hours seem...too dark.  

It's in these darkest hours…where I am at a loss for sleep...

It's in these darkest hours I can’t help but lay awake and wonder…and pray…for my friend on the other side of the world...

It's in these darkest hours, I’m constantly watching my phone…waiting and hoping it announces that an email update has arrived...

Because my friend is facing what I can only imagine, to be the deep darkest hours of his life.

It's been a week since life was drastically pulled back into perspective.

It’s been a week since the gov't authorities took him in for questioning.

It’s been a week since anyone’s been able to see or speak to him.

No answers. Only unknown.

We do believe he’s safe. But the waiting…and the unknown of the present and the future…have been almost unbearable.

To be connected to the part of the population that’s passionate, radical, and sold out for God, I've heard this kind of story all too often. I've spent countless time in prayer for people in similar situations…strangers…friends of friends…someone in the community……but this…this is much, much too close to home.

I can only pray that this darkness quickly ends…and the dawn would break…and that the light would bring the hope and answers we so desperately need and are crying out for.

Please join me in praying for him and his family. For safety, for peace and comfort, for release, that others would remain safe, protected, and hidden. And so importantly-  for God’s ultimate purpose to be fulfilled. He and his family are where they're supposed to be.
Because my friend is someone who is bringing light to darkness.

Your kingdom...come quickly...

your will be done the same...

On earth, as it is in heaven.

Amen. 

[Our Father lyrics]

*Please…if you know my friend, don’t mention any names, locations, or details in the comment section. Thank you. 


***Update. I'm sorry I didn't share this much, much, sooner....but after 21 stress-filled days...my friend was escorted from the prison directly to the airport where he and his family were put on a plane and forced to leave the country. My heart broke for them with the sudden shift of life forced upon them....but I am so eternally grateful God faithfully delivered them out of their troubles. And I am sure and confident that He will continue to direct their path....

Jennifer...and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Week*...and finding the gifts no matter how hard they hide

(*not to be confused with Alexander's day...)

So, I moved. It’s such a long complicated explanation of life…and one that I unfortunately don’t yet remotely understand…so we’ll just leave the details out for now.  But last week, I packed up my stuff and moved houses. In the midst of 400 other things going on in my life and everyone's life around me...I had a deadline to get out of my apartment. And it was one of the worse weeks of my life. Well, I’ve had some pretty bad weeks…but trust me…it rates in the Top 20 for sure. It started with a crazy, insane, unorganized, chaotic, not-enough-help, stressful, horrifying move…along with a major work deadline that required large amounts of my attention…goodbyes to exchange students returning home…averaging 3 hours of sleep at night…and then was supposed to end with an all night walk with Relay for Life…that I wasn’t even sure I could pull off. And JUST as I finally set in my heart to push through and participate…just mere hours later, I ended up coming down with a virus and instead of spending the night with friends raising money for cancer research…I spent it in the bathroom being violently ill.

And wanna know what’s worse than ending a crappy week with a crappy sickness? Being alone...and surrounded by chaos and boxes and crap and not being able to locate anything essential, (it took me 4 days to find the box that had all my jeans/pants in it) …let alone anything that would bring you any sort of comfort when you’re sick. And when you’re thinking you may die at any second…from dehydration or just misery alone…it’s those little things of comfort that really count. And mine were buried somewhere in some box…or had been left up with the Relay crew.

It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week. 

And the misery of it has yet to wear off.

So I decided last night that I needed to start this week by Counting My Gifts here on my blog and finding at least 10 gifts from last week. (I’ve counted to way more than 1000 in real life…but I’m still determined to actually reach 1000 documented here on my blog) But 10....10 would be easy...right? Surely anyone could come up with a mere 10.

And tragically…I couldn't do it. Really. How horrifying is that? The first 3 were easy, the next couple took some thinking….and then, blankness. For almost 24 hours I've been trying to reach deep into my Pollyanna head and come up with more. And finally…I decided to just give in…and embrace the few I could count even tighter. But I wouldn't let myself stop before coming up with at least 7. So here they are...

342- The few friends who were able to help. Most were for short moments at a time…but they usually came when I was on the brink of collapse…and would help me get to the next step. And a couple of them were ones that barely knew me, or didn't even know me at all (my friends dragged them along) Although in the big scheme I didn’t have as much help as I needed…those that came to do what they could were literal life savers and I’m more grateful for them than I could ever possibly convey.

343- Sonic Sprites. It started many years ago after a weekend of sickness and severe dehydration…a Sprite from Sonic was the first sip I was able to keep down…and since then this seems to be my go to when I’m sick. So after a miserable night of sickness…and crying…and puking…and no sleep even though I was overwhelmingly exhausted…the timing worked out that my friend who had spent all night outside in the freezing cold at Relay for Life came home with a large Sonic Sprite with lite ice…within just hours of me being able to finally keep something down. And it was the best. Sprite. ever.

344- Having a place to live. I wasn't sure what I was going to do, or where I was going to go. The plan I thought with my whole heart would happen was no where to be found. Days were slipping away. No options were to be found. But I didn't end up homeless. Instead… I've moved into the basement of my bff…and will be there until I figure out what possibly could be next.

345- The help of my 12 year old ‘nephew’. Such a great age in a boys life of wanting to prove how grown up and strong they are. And with the never ending flights of stairs and heavy loads to carry…I would have given up more than once if he wasn't there to pick up the slack. So so grateful for his strength and stamina when no other help was around.

snug as a bug in a rug

346- My polka dot blanket and down comforter. NOT my favorite go-to comfort choices…BUT an extremely close 2^nd…I mean, my uber soft, bright colored, giant polka dot throw is a pretty fabulous thing to snuggle with…and you can’t help but smile when you see it. So I was thankful this happened to be easily findable when I needed to wrap up in something comforting. 

347- Conversations of strangers. So within the crazy chaos of the week, I also had major work deadlines that I had to balance…AND had to go a week w/no internet at the house because for some reason it takes that long to flip a stupid switch. But I digress…

So with the work deadlines…once I was officially out of my house, I’d have to get up early and spend all day/evening at some coffee shop/restaurant with wifi so I could concentrate on work. This was also highly stressful. BUT…I have to say…the conversations I’ve overheard over the last couple of weeks have been HIGH, h-igh entertainment…and kept my mind on things other than the horrifyness abounding around me. Colorado Springs has got be one of THE best places for people watching/eavesdropping on because of our vast eclecticness. I’ve heard pastors discussing church visions and logistics…all types of business schemes…old ladies monthly get-togethers…friends catching up…religious discussions from every spectrum…from crazy…to insightful…to inspiring…to having to stifle laughs so they wouldn’t know I was listening in…I’ve actually enjoyed getting to listen in on what’s going on in the world around me. Even right now, I’m listening to some DISGUSTING conversation about a girls diet and what she substitutes in her food- as she discusses this with some stranger who works for a news channel. Why? I don’t know. Something about ground up organs and chicken back. Ok, sorry…there should have been a disclaimer for that last sentence. But I’m not making this up or even remotely embellishing. This is the city in which I live…and love.

348- I survived. And I know that God is still good…all the time. 

And for the start of this week...

349- Working internet earlier than expected!! Just got a call that the internet is now working at the house……and this week is officially starting off on a better note.

*Oh! Oh! Oh! Bff Holly to the rescue who pointed out another gift from last week after discussing this with me... TRAILERS. How did I leave off trailers? So yes...most definitely... #350 (and #8 for the week) - the two trailers I got to borrow...and the two men who let me borrow them... 

Oh! It’s for dogs!!! Not HER diet…she makes her own dog food!!! WHEW. Still crazy…and you'll never convince me that I should be serving my dog ground up organs and bones of a chicken back...but I feel SO much better about where she’s at in life! Even with working internet at my house...I may have to continue with at least weekly coffee shop adventures. Just to remember that I'm much more sane than I give myself credit for....

Eat the Scroll

(insert obligatory apology I always make for my absence...and my promise to do better. What's really annoying to me...is that I wrote this a week ago and am just now posting it. Oy...is there anybody left out there still paying attention to all my rambling...)

Confession: In all my 36 years…even though I've grown up knowing God…raised in the Church…knowing the Bible stories….teaching the Bible stories…

I had never ever read the Bible ALL the way through...cover to cover…Gen to Rev.

And I’ve absolutely hated that fact about me. 

It’s been a forever goal of mine since as long as I can remember. I’ve attempted innumerable times…but never could do it. I tried the cover to cover approach. I had a go at just marking off a list of the different books I read throughout the years. I struggled through countless efforts....time and time again, never reaching the goal. 

It's been my number 1 New Years Resolution, like, in a hard core way, for the last several years...but because I failed so miserably...even though it was also this year's #1...I couldn't bring myself to admit it out loud or write it down anywhere. 

Now I do have a creepy brain…in that if I grab a hold of something…it’s in there forever and ever. So I can quote and reference countless scriptures with Rain Man like tendencies. I have dug in and torn apart specific chapters and verses…down to the Hebrew or Greek. And when I do read…I tend to hang out in the obscure prophets the most (other than my beloved Psalms)…which makes someone appear like they must have somehow been a part of it all.

But the truth is…I’ve neglected this beautiful book in which my Spirit adores and longs for, all too often.

It’s sat in corners and on dressers, unopened…for more days weeks (months) in a row than I ever care to admit. 

And I love reading in general. I always have a book around me that I can pick up and read for hours at a time. But when it comes to picking up the Bible in the same way...I just don't do it....sometimes by ugly, conscience choice.  

For years…almost every “word of the Lord” someone would give me was in reference to God telling me to read the Bible more. Every time. From everywhere. Warnings...heedings...invitations...wooings...

I'd be deeply convicted...and I’d set my heart...commit to reading…and fail…and I'd commit to reading…and fail...again and again, and this was the pattern of my life.   

Then a couple of years ago I came across the Read theBible in 90 days concept and was intrigued to say the least. This was a short term goal I thought I could possibly obtain. And I jumped in. 

And again…I failed.

And I tried it again…

And failed...again.

And then I tried it once more…and failed faster than the other 2 times.

But I have to say, something clicked while using that 90 day reading plan. I LOVED just sitting and reading…plowing through like you would any other book. I loved the fast-pacedness of this plan. I was connecting things I’d never connected for. I was seeing concepts through a whole new perspective…and something inside shifted. 

And so I decided to push through. And even though it took me 3 years of concerted effort…and even though I’d go waaaaay too long without cracking it open at all…when I did…I just...read. That’s it. I didn’t stop and tear apart verses. I didn’t look up any definitions…I didn’t stop and ponder (much) while I was reading. And I loved it.

And on the morning of May 15, 2012... I did it. I completed the journey from Genesis 1:1 to Revelation 22:21.  

And for my heart, that moment was glorious. I was kinda hoping for a little more pomp and circumstance from Heaven...but sadly, I was never able to make out any clanging cymbals.

AND...of COURSE (cause this is how I roll)...I think everyone needs to do this! Sit down...and just read. As fast as you can. Do the 90 day challenge...and if you fail...just keep going...plowing through whenever you pick it up. And before anyone gets all Christiany with that ever-too-ready-answer that’s wanting to roll off your tongue (oy, the number of times I heard this when I'd tell people about the 90 day plan)...........go ahead............you know you're shouting it in your head....you know you're just waiting for me to finish so you can click the comment button and tell me… “Well, when *I* read the Bible…I like to take my time…really concentrate on the verses and go slow...cause that's how you get more out of it..." 

...or you know, something like that. 

Forgoodness sakes. Have you done this? Have you read it as fast as you can...beginning to end? I'm telling you...it's opens up a whole new world of perspective. So really...just go for it! For reals. Everyone should do it at least once in their life this way. I think it's truly a life changing experience. 

And personally...I STILL want to do it in 90 Days. AND...I kinda wanna read it once backwards. Not by words of course...but by chapter. My immediate goal is that it doesn't take another 36 years to complete those 2 goals. (ooohhhhh...but maybe I could combine them...)

But above all...I hope that by finally crossing this obstacle that's hung over my life for oh so long, that I've broken through to something. And even though it'll still take effort...and it'll still be an activation of my will to set aside time not just to pray or hang out with God...but to actually pick up the Bible and read His Words....I truly hope and pray...that this is the beginning of a whole new adventure for me...........

So...is there still anybody out there in my blog world? And if so...where are you at in the journey through the Bible? And if that's too personal....when you are reading it...where do you like to hang out in the most???